Sunday, April 02, 2006

Baseball 2006 Predictions

First things first, I should really change the title. These aren't predictions they are fact, this smoldering shrub told me the outcome of the 2006 MLB season and it also empowered yours truly to spread the truth. Second, I spent all offseason analyzing why the Astros didn't even win one game in the World Series and all the data points to the fact that Houston has the most expensive beer in all of baseball. Unfortunately when I presented my findings to the janitor at minute made park he only laughed at me, thus the astros are doomed to get swept in the World Series again this year. Okay, I didn't analyze anything, the smoldering shrub actually told me that also, but I probably could have figured it out on my own what with my amazing ability to get C's in statistics classes. We'll go through the outcomes for the NL teams first, mainly because I just flat out don't like the AL, anyone can throw chin music in the bottom of the fourth knowing the DH is coming up to bat second in the top of the fifth.

Houston Astros
NL wild card (loses NL central tiebreaker)
Defeats Atlanta in first round
Defeats SanFrancisco for pennant
Loses to AL team due to astronomic price of suds
Oswalt wins 30 games with a 0.095 ERA, but still doesn't get Cy Young

St.Louis Cardinals
NL Central Champion (wins NL central tiebreaker)
Loses to SanFransisco in first round
Pujols hits between 15 and 134 HR, has a .314 BA, and 92 RBI.
Pujols wins NL triple crown

P.S. The definition of triple crown as pertains to baseball will be rewritten due to Pujols large number of homeruns. The new triple crown can be won in the original fashion or it can be won by hitting a shit load of homeruns and coming close in the batting average and runs batted in categories. Marketers and ad execs everywhere revel in watering down yet another formerly meaningful sporting achievement to ensure better advertising revenue.

Atlanta Braves
NL East Champion
Loses to Houston in first round
Chipper Jones retires in disgust and opens a B&B in Savannah

New York Mets
As it is ordained, the Mets spend lots of money only to wallow in mediocrity

SanFrancisco Giants
NL West Champion
Defeats St.Louis in first round
Well timed surge in prostitution and gay pride parades is the key to SanFrancisco's win in the first round, but is also their downfall in the second round.

The rest of the of the NL is irrelevant, but I will say this Cubs 52-100. That's right the Cubs will become the first baseball team in America to commit ritual seppuku, a trick they learned in the offseason from the kanji Purple Headed Dragons a minor league affiliate of the Osaka Tigers. So for those of you in Chicago, remember that football is only seven short months away.

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