Monday, November 07, 2005

The Repulic/Empire's IT Department Sucks

So my roommate bought Episode III last night and after watching it I came to a realization. The Republic/Empire's* IT department sucks. It seems that every where R2D2 goes there is an open data port for it to use with impunity. This is a clear oversight on the part of the Empire's IT department.

It is not unusual for organizations with some form of dynamic configuration implemented to leave selected data ports "hot." It is however very unusual for an organization to leave every single data port hot and the network vulnerable to attack. Even if the Empire has some sort of longtime ago in a galaxy far away version of hardware filtering implemented the fact remains that their network was penetrated no less than four times in episode III and IV alone.

In the course of thirty to forty years one droid alone is responsible for many security breaches. Because droids are seen everywhere in Star Wars; one must assume that R2D2 was not a one off droid and that its model was mass produced. Therefore it is possible that thousands if not millions of these l33t hax0r droids are running around breaching the Empire's network wherever and whenever it strikes the fancy of the droids owners'. Anyone in the Empire would have been aware of these droids and their abilities; and even the lowliest of IT workers should have been able to see the security threat they entailed.

Obviously there is a balance between security and ease of access that must be achieved on any network. In the case of the Empire, it seems, they need to tighten security somewhat. When one droid in particular is constantly penetrating your security there can be no doubt that someone has been criminally negligent. In the world of computer networks, network security is the wall around Jerusalem keeping the invading Muslim hackers at bay; in the Empire Jerusalem has no wall. The onus of network security is a very serious one in today's world and the same would be true a long time ago in a galaxy far away.

*Because I'm lazy the Rebublic/Empire will hence be referred to as the Empire.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Our Lexicon Grows Large

Today I coined a new phrase, "rural myth." A rural myth is very similar to an urban myth, but a rural myth involves mules killing mountains lions or two ton catfish instead of over sexed teens being killed by psychos.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

If Only All Hippies Were Like Willie Nelson

If all hippies were like Willie Nelson, I wouldn't have to deep six the state of California when I become president. What I mean is that your average hippie places himself on a pedestal of self righteousness and does nothing to further the inane causes that his over active sense of guilt forces him to believe in. That brings us to Willie, who is not a traditional hippie. All Willie Nelson does is support and work for causes he believes in, Farm Aid anyone. Well Willie is at it again, this time with a great technology called bio-diesel. Willie Nelson has lent his name and likeness to Bio Willie Diesel a commercial bio-diesel product available to the public. Basically bio-diesel is vegetable oil mixed with some chemicals to break down the natural viscosity and thus rendering it useful as a fuel.

According to

Bio-diesel fuel
can be used in trucks and cars with diesel engines
Bio-diesel fuel
costs less and gives better mileage!
Bio-diesel fuel
is a fully renewable energy resource
Bio-diesel fuel
is grown by American Family Farmers!
Bio-diesel fuel
is biodegradable and has low toxicity!
For this reason and for just being a general kickass guy, I present the "Best Texan Since William B. Travis" award to Willie Nelson.

Friday, July 08, 2005

This Just In!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Advanced Bums of Waco: A Dungeon Masters Guide

Today we will investigate the advanced bums of Waco. Advanced bums only come in one flavor, drug addict. Homeless bums do not interact with "normals" enough to be further classified. I am sure that there are many other advanced bums than the ones listed here, but I am not a sociologist, so these are all you get.

  • White Trash Bum: White trash bum is both annoying and infuriating. This is because white trash bum possesses the +5 white trash children of pity. White trash bum will use this weapon against you and although it is a powerful weapon if you have -3 cold heart of ice you should be sufficiently armed to resist white trash bum's advances.
  • Crazy Eyes Bum: Crazy eyes bum is by far the most hilarious bum ever. Is he looking at you or your fern, you'll never know. While you suppress the urge to roll around on the floor convulsing with laughter; crazy eyes bum will try to encourage you towards philanthropic ends. If you can not refuse crazy eyes bum do not feel ashamed, because 100 years ago you would have had to pay for the priviledge of gazing upon crazy eyes' crazy eyes.
  • Salesman Bum: Salesman bum is an exceedingly annoying bum, because salesman bum tries to sell you his worthless trinkets in order to get his fix. There is one problem with salesman bum, and its that as soon as you make the mistake of buying some of his -2 trinkets of worthlessness he will turn into a regular drug addict bum and he will still be annoying.
Remember, no matter how funny, pitiful, etc. that a bum may be, never ever under any circumstances give a bum money. There will always be poor people regardless of how much money you give away; and giving money to a bum will only encourage it to annoy you for more money.

Monday, June 20, 2005

I Hate Emo

That is all.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Rory Sabbatini: Saint

If everyone in this world treated slow golfers the way Rory Sabbatini did, the world would be a much better place. Slow play is the only thing that makes me madder than someone who can't spell lose. There is nothing worse than playing a round of golf in over 4 hours. As much as I hate to do it, when I become president I will be forced (by all the jackasses who don't know how to play golf) to push a constitutional amendment through congress. This amendment will force all golf in the United States to be played in 4 hours 30 minutes or less. When the time period elapses you will be given the opportunity to leave the course of your own free will if you do not leave the course you will be escorted by armed marshals. Playing golf in a timely manner is fundamental in proving your loyalty to your country; hell, I can teach a retarded communist chimp to play golf in under 4 hours. In conclusion, I your humble Rear Admiral will create the 28th amendment to our beloved constitution, and the seas will run red with the blood of all who oppose me.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Today's Lesson: Lose and Loose

v. lost, (lôst, lŏst) los·ing, los·es
v. tr.

  1. To be unsuccessful in retaining possession of; mislay: He's always losing his car keys.
    1. To be deprived of (something one has had): lost her art collection in the fire; lost her job.
    2. To be left alone or desolate because of the death of: lost his wife.
    3. To be unable to keep alive: a doctor who has lost very few patients.
  2. To be unable to keep control or allegiance of: lost his temper at the meeting; is losing supporters by changing his mind.
  3. To fail to win; fail in: lost the game; lost the court case.
  4. To fail to use or take advantage of: Don't lose a chance to improve your position.
  5. To fail to hear, see, or understand: We lost the plane in the fog. I lost her when she started speaking about thermodynamics.
    1. To let (oneself) become unable to find the way.
    2. To remove (oneself), as from everyday reality into a fantasy world.
  6. To rid oneself of: lost five pounds.
  7. To consume aimlessly; waste: lost a week in idle occupations.
  8. To wander from or become ignorant of: lose one's way.
    1. To elude or outdistance: lost their pursuers.
    2. To be outdistanced by: chased the thieves but lost them.
  9. To become slow by (a specified amount of time). Used of a timepiece.
  10. To cause or result in the loss of: Failure to reply to the advertisement lost her the job.
  11. To cause to be destroyed. Usually used in the passive: Both planes were lost in the crash.
  12. To cause to be damned.

v. intr.
  1. To suffer loss.
  2. To be defeated.
  3. To operate or run slow. Used of a timepiece.

Phrasal Verb:
lose out
To fail to achieve or receive an expected gain.

lose it Slang
  1. To lose control; blow up.
  2. To become deranged or mentally disturbed.
  3. To become less capable or proficient; decline.
lose out on
To miss (an opportunity, for example).
lose time
  1. To operate too slowly. Used of a timepiece.
  2. To delay advancement.

[Middle English losen, from Old English losian, to perish, from los, loss. See leu- in Indo-European Roots.]

adj. loos·er, loos·est
  1. Not fastened, restrained, or contained: loose bricks.
  2. Not taut, fixed, or rigid: a loose anchor line; a loose chair leg.
  3. Free from confinement or imprisonment; unfettered: criminals loose in the neighborhood; dogs that are loose on the streets.
  4. Not tight-fitting or tightly fitted: loose shoes.
  5. Not bound, bundled, stapled, or gathered together: loose papers.
  6. Not compact or dense in arrangement or structure: loose gravel.
  7. Lacking a sense of restraint or responsibility; idle: loose talk.
  8. Not formal; relaxed: a loose atmosphere at the club.
  9. Lacking conventional moral restraint in sexual behavior.
  10. Not literal or exact: a loose translation.
  11. Characterized by a free movement of fluids in the body: a loose cough; loose bowels.

In a loose manner.

v. loosed, loos·ing, loos·es
v. tr.
  1. To let loose; release: loosed the dogs.
  2. To make loose; undo: loosed his belt.
  3. To cast loose; detach: hikers loosing their packs at camp.
  4. To let fly; discharge: loosed an arrow.
  5. To release pressure or obligation from; absolve: loosed her from the responsibility.
  6. To make less strict; relax: a leader's strong authority that was loosed by easy times.

v. intr.
  1. To become loose.
  2. To discharge a missile; fire.

on the loose
  1. At large; free.
  2. Acting in an uninhibited fashion.

[Middle English louse, los, from Old Norse lauss. See leu- in Indo-European Roots.]

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Of Buddies and Their Lists'

I just read a fairly asinine forum post by some jackass trying to validate his nerdy existence by boasting about the size of his buddylist. I choose to go the other way, I choose to validate my nerdy existence by treating my buddylist like the most exclusive club on the internet. Not even my parents are on my buddylist, of course they don't have screen names, but that's beside the point. My buddylist comprises about .000000383% of the earth's population, in contrast the average AOL user's buddylist contains roughly 50% of the population. If you have received the great honor of being on my buddylist then you are beyond the mere riff-raff that loiter around other peoples' buddylists. I wonder what the poor people are doing tonight; hold on I'll go and look out my window.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

In Search of Sustenance

I learned a new lesson today. If you ask a pet shop clerk which rabbit tastes best, they won't sell you any rabbits. Then you are stuck trying to shoot squirrels in the park with your blowgun. Like my dad always says, "squirrels are just rats with good p.r." Nobody wants to eat a rat, they're filthy animals. Not even a drug addict bum with a +2 crack habit of poverty would stoop so low as to eat a rat.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

A Hitchiker's Guide to the Bums of Waco

If you are ever unfortunate enough to have to spend any time in Waco you will certainly meet some bums. Some people are uncertain as to how to deal with bums and/or are afraid of dirty poor people. To this end I have published the following guide to the bums of Waco. There are two basic groups of bums in Waco.

Homeless bum: This bum is not to be feared for you will never see a homeless bum (in Waco) talking to anyone except others bums. The one exception is Sunday when naive young Baylor students give the bums doughnuts and coffee in a feeble attempt to "fix" the bums.

Drug addict bum: These will compose the bulk of the bums you will meet. Drug addict bums are far and away the most annoying people ever. They lack any form of self respect and are willing to do anything for miniscule amounts of money. This type of bum is easily detected by their ludicrous stories about broken down cars that only need $5.00 dollars to be fixed.

Expert Tip:
Never give anything to drug addict bum; getting involved with drug addict bum will only bring trouble.
There are also some more advanced bums in Waco; another guide will be published shortly.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Cedega Conundrum

It is a question as old as time itself; or at least as old as the answer to life, the universe, and everything. A moral dilemma to be sure. A question that will weigh on great minds for eons upon eons. To properly quantify a question as deep and thought provoking as this, one must possess many skills ranging in length and breadth too great to put into words. A renaissance man would not enjoy even a minute portion of the skills necessary to understand the question in question. That is why the immense burden of stating and analyzing the question has been thrust upon my Olympian shoulders, by myself.

Alas in my short, but scholastically enriched life; I have acquired only nine and a half tenths of the requisite whole necessary to adequately proclaim the question at hand. Dear reader if you would but indulge me for a spell; I would humbly carry out the task I have graciously accepted from myself. I will now loose upon your mind a question that has hitherto been uttered by men with the kind of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. The question I hold on my pursed lips is as follows.

Does Cedega help gaming on the Linux platform or hurt gaming on the Linux platform?

Destroyer of empires on the cusp of conception; or custodian of hope and games
Destroyer of unborn empires; or custodian of hope and games?

Updates with in depth analysis forthwith

Monday, April 11, 2005

An open letter to baseball video games

Dear EA Sports, 989sports, 2kSports, et al:

I love baseball video games, from basesloaded to mlb 2k5, but today's games have so many gimmicks that it is nearly impossible to just play the games. The gimmicks that make the games unplayable are almost always batting gimmicks; I'm sure that they are there to make the experience more "real", but if I was able to hit a Roger Clemens fastball I wouldn't need to buy your games because I would be playing baseball professionally. The one thing I feel your games need is a batting practice mode; not only could this make it easier to learn the batting gimmicks that are inevitable, but it could also make the game more fun. There could be different scenarios in this mythical bp mode in which you have to accomplish a certain goal, i.e. hit 10 curve balls in a row or hit the bull over the right field bleachers and win a steak. In the end a batting practice mode would allow the player/customer to learn whatever crazy gimmicks yall have added into your latest games, and therefore make the replay value higher because no one likes striking out.

Thank You

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Crawdads rule!

If there were a race war between crawdads and shrimp, the shrimp would totally get their butts' kicked. I once stabbed a waiter with my fork when my etouffee had a shrimp in it. Crawdads should be in the crustacean hall of fame for being the most versatile ingredient in all of crustaceandom. When I die I want to be boiled and then have my brain matter sucked out of my head and eaten just like a crawdad.

Monday, February 28, 2005

TimeWarner-Waco sucks

TimeWarner-Waco sucks because they are biased towards the Rangers and rarely show the Astros. They're always screwing me over and not showing any good Houston teams and instead showing those crappy Dallas teams. They once showed an infomercial instead of a Texans game. I can't count high enough to express how many times they showed those bums in Arlington losing instead of showing the Astros winning. My only solace is that one day I will be President and I will use my executive powers to force TimeWarner to show the Astros' games on every channel and in every city, especially Dallas.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

World of Warcraft Linux Petition

While cruising the World of Warcraft forums, I came across this Petition for a native Linux client. I have recently been playing World of Warcraft using Cedega; and it works fairly well. A native Linux client, however, would be the cat's pajamas.