Saturday, August 28, 2010

Dr. Lovesweed or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the ORB.

The greatest threat to our world is with out a doubt hippies. Hippies hate violence, but love smashing windows and turning over police cars at G20 summits. Hippies love Darwinism, but refuse to eat meat, the very thing that helped human beings evolve to the point to be able to conceive of the theory of evolution. Hippies love weed, but hate cigarettes. Though they seem harmless hippies pose the greatest threat to our world due to their convoluted and contradictory views on society and the world.

Everyone knows that hippies love peace and hate violent things like football and global wars against things. It is strangely ironic then, that a few foreign leaders can not have a meeting without every Starbucks in a 20 mile radius being burned to the ground by mobs of enraged hippies. Until the hippie threat is brought down we will be forced to see pictures of a weirdo wearing nothing but a jester hat and birkenstocks after every G20 summit.

There is nothing wrong with eating only vegetables; in fact there is nothing morally wrong with eating anything. Unless your a huge Jonathan Swift fan and you have no concept of satire, then you might be a little wayward with you dinner choices. On the other hand many hippies somehow find it possible to find it morally repugnant to eat meat. This vegetarianism flies in the face of the hippies favorite scientific theory: evolution. Hippies will fight to the death to protect evolution, while at the same denying themselves the singed meat which caused the early humans’ brains to explode in size. That makes about as much sense as Darth Vader standing in the ocean pouring seawater from filter into a glass.

The last contradiction of hippies is far and away the most annoying. Many people have had this experience: You are at a party and want to tame some fire. So you step out on to the porch and a light up a smoke; only to hear some filthy hippie say “Hey man, are you, like, trying to give me cancer or something?” After you say “Yes, I am.” The hippie goes back inside with disgusted look on his face; and a few minutes later you go back inside only to find Bob Marley Jr. sparking up a huge spliff. How can a hippie love marijuana smoke and hate tobacco smoke? Its a global conspiracy that is how.

The hippie menace has been running amuck for nearly 50 years and it is time to put a stop to it. The world has a tenuous grasp on sanity as it stands and we can sorely afford to have any more potheads in jester hats tipping the balance. For these reasons I believe that hippies are the worlds greatest threat, and because I am a man of hope.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Meego Haiku

MeeGo works on a netbook.
MeeGo works in car.
MeeGo works on a smart phone.