Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Advanced Bums of Waco: A Dungeon Masters Guide

Today we will investigate the advanced bums of Waco. Advanced bums only come in one flavor, drug addict. Homeless bums do not interact with "normals" enough to be further classified. I am sure that there are many other advanced bums than the ones listed here, but I am not a sociologist, so these are all you get.

  • White Trash Bum: White trash bum is both annoying and infuriating. This is because white trash bum possesses the +5 white trash children of pity. White trash bum will use this weapon against you and although it is a powerful weapon if you have -3 cold heart of ice you should be sufficiently armed to resist white trash bum's advances.
  • Crazy Eyes Bum: Crazy eyes bum is by far the most hilarious bum ever. Is he looking at you or your fern, you'll never know. While you suppress the urge to roll around on the floor convulsing with laughter; crazy eyes bum will try to encourage you towards philanthropic ends. If you can not refuse crazy eyes bum do not feel ashamed, because 100 years ago you would have had to pay for the priviledge of gazing upon crazy eyes' crazy eyes.
  • Salesman Bum: Salesman bum is an exceedingly annoying bum, because salesman bum tries to sell you his worthless trinkets in order to get his fix. There is one problem with salesman bum, and its that as soon as you make the mistake of buying some of his -2 trinkets of worthlessness he will turn into a regular drug addict bum and he will still be annoying.
Remember, no matter how funny, pitiful, etc. that a bum may be, never ever under any circumstances give a bum money. There will always be poor people regardless of how much money you give away; and giving money to a bum will only encourage it to annoy you for more money.

Monday, June 20, 2005

I Hate Emo

That is all.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Rory Sabbatini: Saint

If everyone in this world treated slow golfers the way Rory Sabbatini did, the world would be a much better place. Slow play is the only thing that makes me madder than someone who can't spell lose. There is nothing worse than playing a round of golf in over 4 hours. As much as I hate to do it, when I become president I will be forced (by all the jackasses who don't know how to play golf) to push a constitutional amendment through congress. This amendment will force all golf in the United States to be played in 4 hours 30 minutes or less. When the time period elapses you will be given the opportunity to leave the course of your own free will if you do not leave the course you will be escorted by armed marshals. Playing golf in a timely manner is fundamental in proving your loyalty to your country; hell, I can teach a retarded communist chimp to play golf in under 4 hours. In conclusion, I your humble Rear Admiral will create the 28th amendment to our beloved constitution, and the seas will run red with the blood of all who oppose me.