Monday, August 05, 2013

Future Benefits of the Past Present

The NCAA has, in a move that is characterized by experts as baffling, suspended all players on top 25 football and basketball teams. The NCAA claims the ruling is a proactive reaction to improper benefits that players will receive when they go on to careers as professional athletes. Based on the theory of quantum trickle down economics the NCAA says that a player's athletic ability provides them with the potential to profit that other students do not have access to. The amateur status of student athletes now reinforced the NCAA says it is looking forward to an exciting football season full of dropped passes, fumbles, and low scoring. When asked one rules committee member was unable to correctly describe a football and said they were not really "into" sports; another member replied "green" when asked the color of a basketball.

This is not the only action the NCAA is going to make, they are also consulting with physicist in an effort to sanction programs that do the wrong thing in alternate universes.  One unnamed scientist said, "Those people (the NCAA) are crazy, crazy rich."  Another said that they are using NCAA funding to complete the scrapped super collider in Texas, "They think I am going to provide a way to keep student athletes from ever making any money in any field ever; but I'm going to provide myself with a nobel prize."  When asked for comment about this newest plan the NCAA said that "they would totally get back at those jocks even if it brings about the apocalypse."

In an unrelated note, SEC, PAC 12, Big Ten, and Big XII schools are expected to announce their withdrawal from the NCAA.   The organization already has a proposed name the Collegiate Football League,  There is some concern over confusion with the Canadian Football league.  Canadians however are historically baffled by football's, or summer hockey, lack of sticks and ice and therefore the Canadians are not expected to put up much of a fight.  Americans on the other hand do not care what it is called as long as an oblong spheroid is fought over.  The schools plan to create a new league where championships are decided by playing games rather than by sports writers have not gone unnoticed by the NCAA who were seen shaking their fists in the air and yelling, "****ing jocks!"  Wait what did that last sentence say?  Oh hell no I'm not going back to writing reviews of garden fertilizers.  Screw the fans, the NCAA knows all and is our beneficent overlord.  No you can't take my keyboard from me, I bought it with my own money.  Don't pull that

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